I don’t know how, but I used to slip into the most beautiful spiritual experiences during meditation. It was almost like I belonged there, floating amongst stars. But then an intense bipolar depression closed that doorway, locked it, and buried it in an abandoned quarry somewhere. This is how I found my way back …
I have memories of being able to astral travel before I have memories of being able to walk. I remember my father teaching me sleeping techniques that used to take me into other dimensions. I remember being born with past life knowledge. I was always, somehow, tapped into the lands beyond the veils, so much more than I was rooted to this earth.
From technicolour dreams to darkness
As I grew up, as a tween, as a teen, and far into my adulthood, when I learnt to access the spiritual dimensions intentionally, I’d always have these full and vivid experiences, visited by angels and spirit guides, beings of light, ascended masters. It all came so naturally that I totally took it for granted. Until an extreme bipolar depression snatched it all away.
Meditation had never been more out of reach
Those spiritual experiences were so far gone; lost in the dark, submerged in the muds of a particularly long and debilitating bipolar depression. I felt so dead inside that I doubted that I could ever have had any kind of divine experience at all. The only reality was zombie state. And darkness. A never-ending darkness.
And so I turned to science
My psychologist intuited how deeply I doubted the mystical I once knew and so, to appease my mind so distorted by depression, she turned my attention back to science. She introduced me to the work of Dr Joe Dispenza, a bestselling author, researcher and international lecturer who so beautifully bridges the divide between neuroscience and spirituality. His message gave me back my power.
Gold for the soul
At my psychologist’s urging, I started with a podcast that I described as “gold for my soul”. In an interview with Aubrey Marcus, Dr Joe talks about creating the future you want, reminding me that we have an innate power to change our state of being. After that, I totally devoured his book Becoming Supernatural, and then I took the plunge and dived into his series of guided meditations. At first it took a lot of just showing up for my meditation practice. Every day. Even when nothing happened. I stilled. I practiced. I reached out for the art I had lost.
And then the transcendental happened
What I call a transcendental experience, Dr Joe refers to as a brain orgasm. It was so sublime that I poured the experience onto the page. This is what I wrote …
Suddenly I felt the crown of my head opening up into the most dazzling light, pouring into me, engulfing me. Celestial light. So white and so pure it was almost invisible. I’ve never felt so seen, so completely loved, so divine and connected and honoured and chosen and blessed and grateful and so in awe in my life.
I knew in that moment I would never be the same again.
And the light just kept glowing and pouring into me. Lifting me up towards it. And at the same time I could feel my brain fly open … millions of colours exploded in my mind and filled my whole head … now I remember what feels the divine feels like.
When the meditation ended and the music faded, tears of gratitude flowed and flowed. I was so deeply moved.
I could meditate again!
From that day, things were different. My vision was sharper, colours were more vibrant, more vivid, had more depth. And when I caught a glance of myself in the mirror, I thought there you are! I realised I hadn’t seen her in a while. I saw different possibilities even in the simplest and most mundane of things. I was conscious again of new information downloading into me during my sleep. I could meditate solo again. I felt limitless. I felt joy and peace at the same time. Like they were braided together. A total new experience for someone living with bipolar. Mania doesn’t know peace. And this peace was beautiful.
“If you can change your energy, you can change your life.” – Dr Joe Dispenza
