While there’s still so much we don’t know about bipolar (psychiatrists, doctors and researchers included), there are still some fundamental things I wish everyone would know about people living with bipolar disorder. It’s okay, there’s no judgement here. Maybe you’ve watched too many movies. Or maybe you just haven’t really thought about it all that much. So here’s a little starter pack for you …
You don’t have to “get” what we’re going through
You might try to imagine what it would be like to live in a different galaxy, but you’ll never really know what it is to live it. You’ll never have the real-life experience of waking up in the morning on a far-flung planet and breathing in its strange air. You could only wonder what it would be like. And that’s okay, I don’t think any of us with bipolar really expect you to understand what it’s like to live with the disorder, to know what we go through, or how deeply it affects us. Sometimes we don’t even understand it ourselves. So try to practice acceptance instead. Accept what it is. Accept when we share our truth. Because ultimately, it just is what it is.
It’s not a lame excuse
I love feeling strong and independent, powerful and in control. But honestly, sometimes I feel like a puppet on a string. Whether it’s a manic cycle or a depression, I so often feel impossibly small in the face of this weird force that feels so much more powerful than me. It’s really weird to step back and analyse my experiences when I’m between episodes. They’re so distorted and extreme that they almost don’t feel real. But they are real … to us. So please, believe us. When we’re manic, we’re not trying to be weird and outrageous, when we’re depressed, we’re not creating the gloom that swallows us whole. When we say we’re exhausted, we’re seriously and truly drained of energy. Believe me when I say we’re fighting as hard as we can.
It’s in the mind as much as it’s in the brain and the body
Bipolar is not an imagined cycle of alternating states. It’s a disorder of the brain and a complex interplay of genetics, stress, psychological processes, and abnormal functioning of brain circuits and neurotransmitters. It’s an interaction of biology and the environment that twists and bends our moods, behaviours, perceptions, and cognitive thinking. It’s not a simple “moodiness” either, but an extreme rollercoaster from wild and manic highs to severe and unbearable depressions that effects every part of our being.
You’ve got to stop waiting for us to crack
Firstly. We’re stronger than you think. Whatever it’s taken you to get to where you are today, we’ve probably had to fight a thousand times harder to get to the same place. Secondly. We are much more than bipolar. It is a part of us, yes, but it’s not all of us. We can be happy without being manic. We can be sad without being depressed. We can be any pure emotion and expression of being human. Not every mood, reaction, or state is a bipolar episode. Sometimes I want to print this on a t-shirt.
You don’t always have to be the strong one
I know we can be a lot of hard work sometimes, and we’re not always the easiest of people to live with (but then again, are you?). I know we can be worrying, draining, exasperating, even terrifying when mania might take us down a dangerous road. But we can also be your joy. We can be your foundation and your sky. Your shoulder, your conscience, your haven from the world. This relationship is about you too, and you can lean into us as much as we can lean into you. For the people in my life, I too can be the pillar, the cheerleader, the voice of reason, the shoulder, and the hope.
We don’t have to be medicated
Meds aren’t the only answer. Sometimes they work. And sometimes they don’t. Sometimes we really need the meds to manage our episodes, and sometimes we can ride them out. Sometimes the side effects are worse than the disorder. Bipolar medications are just one part of a multi-disciplinary approach, and it can take years to even find the right cocktail of chemicals and life balance. Respect that. And respect that we are still autonomous beings. We should be allowed to make our own choices, and that includes the choice whether to medicate or not.
We really, really, really need our boundaries
When we need time out, we need time out. It takes a lot of time and space to manage this disorder. Especially when we’re in the throes of an episode. Maybe that means we don’t come to your wedding, or we don’t answer the phone. Or we may not want to hear about the latest diabolical news story. Living with bipolar is like living in constant recovery. And as much as I hate calling it a disease, sometimes that’s the only word to describe bipolar. Because it can eat away at so much. Because it can be so incredibly debilitating. Because it never really goes away. So when we retreat behind our boundaries, know that it’s not a wall to insult you or keep you out … it’s simply a need to heal.
When we can’t fly, we walk, when we can’t walk, we crawl. And sometimes, when we need to, we stay still. Honour that.
Bipolar disorder, like many other mental illnesses, is distorted and buried under centuries of myth, misunderstanding, and social stigma. But more and more of us are standing in the light, opening up, and telling our stories. Listen to us when we speak.
